I always feel envious when I open a book, and there are pages and pages of great blurbs from celebrity reviewers telling the reader what a masterful, spellbinding, page-turner the novel I’m about to read is. If you are an indie author, like myself, those celebrity blurbs are hard to come by. I’ve been turned down by the most celebrated, all of whom shall remain nameless. It’s too embarrassing to relate the depths to which I am willing to sink. Don’t feel self-righteous. You’ve been there too.

There is hope, however, for the indie author. While a living celebrity may be quite particular and stingy with the praise he or she meets out, the deceased are not nearly so fastidious. So, if you’re having a hard time squeezing a great blurb out of a living, breathing celebrity, try someone who has been dead for a hundred years or so. They never complain and neither do their heirs.

Here are a few examples I was able to exhume complimenting my novel/diet book, Diary of a Dieting Madhouse:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single author in possession of a great novel, must be in want of a reader. I highly recommend Paige Singleton’s Diary of a Dieting Madhouse.”—Jane Austen

“For every one billion bad novels there were one billion and one good novels. And when the mutual annihilation was complete, one billionth remained—and that's Diary of a Dieting Madhouse. Read it!”—Albert Einstein

“I am in favor of animal rights as well as human rights. That is the way of Diary of a Dieting Madhouse.”—Abraham Lincoln

If the living dead do not appeal to you, how about a fictional character? Might be careful with those, however. Their creators could be waiting and watching for something like this:

“Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose? No! I love Diary of a Dieting Madhouse just the way it is.”—Bridget Jones

“HEY! Put down that second pint of ice cream! You don't need it! Hell, you didn't need the first pint, either. Go read Diary of a Dieting Madhouse instead.”—Some Random Skinny Bitch

And now, for my personal favorite:

“It’s The Most Interesting Book in the World. Its pages smell like the rarest Parisian perfume, even though it’s an eBook. You don’t often find it on bestseller lists, but when you do, you’ll find the writer in Maui. Sometimes the author is arrested by the police and questioned in a dark room, but, really, it’s only because they find her interesting. I don’t often read, but when I do, I always read Diary of a Dieting Madhouse.”—The Most Interesting Man in the World

If none of this works for you, my final suggestion is to merely make up names. I rarely recognize another author’s name when they blurb a book anyway. Specific examples:

“The best beach read of the year, Tsunami Summer, is a gnarly, bodacious, big wave rider of a read.”—Babe E. Wave

“9-1/2 Hues of Taupe is hot, romantic and sweaty, just the way I like my . . . literature.”—Erin Eros

“The perfect novel to carry on a long plane ride, Fear of Driving is sold exclusively as an ebook.”—Kendyll Fiere

You get the idea. And remember, you can always rely on me for solid, current and eminently usable advice when it comes to promoting your books. Come back next month, and I’ll give you a list of new questions to ask at an author interview that they will never forget.

Much success to all my indie author friends!

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